About

The way we communicate today has changed. Advances in technology and the media have meant that the way we interact is, on many occasions, more virtual than in person. This can give rise to the appearance of new phenomena, such as so-called “ghosting”.

What is ghosting?

It consists of ending some type of relationship by stopping responding to the sender’s messages, disappearing from social networks. Thus, communication with a person with whom you have been speaking for some time and with whom you maintained an emotional relationship is directly cut off.

That is, it involves disappearing from someone’s life without explanation, not even a goodbye. The fact that a person suddenly disappears, as if they had never existed or been part of your life.

Ways to manifest ghosting:

Ghosting can come in two forms. There is abrupt ghosting in which the person with whom you were in a relationship suddenly completely disappears and even blocks the other person on all social networks or media. But there is also gradual ghosting, characterized by gradual disappearance. In consultation, we detect the latter, because a change in attitude is perceived in said person. Thus, for example, he never starts conversations with the victim, avoids responding when asked for sincerity or uses evasive phrases such as “I haven’t had time to call you” or “I did give you a like! “

Does it look familiar to you?

Ghosting behavior is not limited to romantic relationships. Casual relationships, friendships, and even work relationships can end this way.

• Relationships: It is, by far, the most common and frequent. In consultation we see that ghosting in romantic relationships usually occurs after a date, in the first weeks of starting a relationship or I have even seen ghosting after having spent several years in a relationship with the same person.
• Friendship relationships: It can also happen in these relationships. A friend who stops answering messages or calls, or who, without explanation, procrastinates or makes excuses to avoid meetings. Ghosting in friendship relationships can be as painful as romantic ghosting, as sometimes it involves years and years of closeness and connection.
• Labor relations: These are employees who disappear and cut off communication, without notifying or giving explanations to the team.

Profile of the person who ghosts

Most people who ghost do not consciously intend to do harm. His behavior is a reflection of his personality and can be seen:

• Poor emotional management. There is no correct development of emotional responsibility.
• Difficulty facing difficult situations or giving explanations.
• Poor communication skills.
• Lack of empathy towards the feelings of others.
• Low self-esteem. Creation of avoidant protective barriers. The fear of confrontation or rejection causes you to flee instead of facing the situation.
• Narcissism at times.
• Social anxiety, especially in young people.

All of this causes problems in connecting, maintaining contact and establishing a commitment with the other.

For the person who practices ghosting, running away from a relationship is a simple and quick way out. You do not need to explain or come face to face with the other person and their probable pain or confusion. Because it comes so easily to you, you may continue to repeat this pattern in your future relationships.

Repercussions of ghosting on the victim

They depend, to a large extent, on the importance that the person who ghosted her has had for her. If the relationship has been intense or long-lasting, or the victim has low self-esteem, it can have a great emotional impact.

On the other hand, in those victims who poorly manage their emotions, feeling used and discarded by ghosting reinforces their negative self-evaluations and interprets it as something deserved out of a feeling of guilt.

Finally, not knowing the reasons why it is separated and omitted makes it very difficult for the victim to close the chapter and be in a position to face new relationships and repeat phrases such as: “What have I done wrong?”, “Will it be my blame?”, “I must be horrible so that he doesn’t even want to say goodbye to me.”

How to overcome ghosting?

You stop looking for excuses or justifying the behavior of others. Probably, he disappeared because he didn’t know how to deal with his emotions. And as I always say, what others act or do has to do with them and not with you, don’t forget that.

My recommendations to overcome and get through the ghosting grief:

• Recognize and accept the situation: You deserve much better.
• Respect your emotions and their rhythm: It is natural to feel sad, angry or hurt for a time, which for each person has a duration.
• Don’t blame yourself: Keep in mind that ghosting doesn’t depend on what you’ve done. Ghosting has to do with emotional management skills, which the other person lacks.
• Connect with your emotions: These are the questions I ask in consultation: “How do I want to feel in a relationship? How is this person making me feel?” What is your answer to these questions when you think about a person who ghosts you?
• Self-care and self-esteem: The most important thing is you, so listen to yourself and pamper yourself a lot.
• Learn from experience and do not generalize: What has happened does not have to be repeated in other relationships.
• Seek support from your family or friends or ask for psychological help if you need it.
• And lastly, and very importantly, do not seek to contact that person.

FAQ

1. Why does ghosting happen?

Ghosting can occur for various reasons, including discomfort, conflict avoidance, or a simple lack of interest. Understanding that the motivations behind ghosting are diverse and often rooted in the ghoster’s personal circumstances can help manage the emotional impact.

2. How to cope with the emotional impact of ghosting?

Dealing with the emotional fallout of being ghosted can be tough. It’s essential to acknowledge your feelings, allow yourself to grieve the loss of connection, and seek support from friends or a therapist. Focusing on self-care activities and engaging in hobbies can also help in diverting attention from the negative emotions.

3. Is it appropriate to confront the person who ghosted me?

Deciding whether or not to confront the person who ghosted you is a personal choice. While seeking closure is understandable, it’s crucial to approach the conversation with a calm and open mindset. Be prepared for the possibility that the other person may not provide the answers you seek.

4. Should I give the person another chance after ghosting?

Reconsidering a relationship after ghosting requires careful evaluation. Assess whether the individual has provided a genuine explanation and shown remorse for their actions. Trust your instincts and set clear boundaries if you decide to give the relationship another chance.

5. How to prevent being ghosted in the future?

While it’s impossible to guarantee that you won’t experience ghosting, establishing clear communication and expectations early in a relationship can be beneficial. Encourage open dialogue, express your needs, and be attentive to the other person’s signals to foster a healthy connection.

6. Are there red flags to watch out for?

Certain behaviors, such as inconsistent communication, frequent cancellations, or a lack of commitment, may signal potential ghosting. Pay attention to these red flags but also consider context and individual circumstances before making assumptions.

7. Is it common to be ghosted in professional settings?

Ghosting is not limited to personal relationships; it can also occur in professional settings. When faced with professional ghosting, maintain professionalism and follow up in a courteous manner. Keep in mind that circumstances in the professional realm can be different, and persistence may be appropriate within reasonable limits.

8. How to move forward after being ghosted?

Moving forward involves a process of self-reflection and growth. Focus on personal development, engage in activities that bring joy, and explore new connections. Recognize that being ghosted does not define your worth, and the right connections will come in due time.

Conclusion

Managing ghosting requires a delicate balance of self-reflection, emotional resilience, and effective communication. While it remains a challenging aspect of modern relationships, understanding the dynamics and adopting a proactive approach to self-care can empower individuals to navigate the complexities of ghosting with grace and resilience.

 

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The setup is simple. We have the QWERTY keyboard and a big screen in front of us. There is a mouse and a secondary screen on the right side of the body.  If we are lucky there is a third pivoted screen on our left, and the notebook under it. Now what?

Why the obvious option sucks

Since I usually write with the right hand and hold the notebook with the left hand, I can still do that. This is mildly uncomfortable with A4 pages on a clipboard and very uncomfortable with A6 notepad.

A programmer’s desk often does not have space for an A4 clipboard. If there is space, it is usually to the left. On the left there are other hardware devices, like Nvidia Xavier, KVM switch,  USB hub. Even further left we have a mobile phone or an ipad with a charger. And next, we have all kinds of cables and maybe another computer.

Placing the notepad to the right of the mouse is also not very good: this is the space of a cup for liquids. Based on the culture and the hour of the day, programmers drink water, tea, coffee, beer, or something strange like an energy drink. And beyond it is a place for incoming or outgoing stuff: the stuff others place on our table and we did not have time to review it, or the stuff we finished reviewing and need to take anywhere.

To use notepad we usually turn the entire body. We take the notepad with the left hand and move it closer, then with the right hand we start writing. The back of the pen is often used with a passive stylo end to press the mobile phone or the keyboard.  To use the mouse or type something serious, both hands need to be taken from a notepad, and put back on the keyboard and mouse. And then they go back… Uncomfortable and slow!

The left hand is clumsy

As a child, I learned to write with my right hand. After decades of right-hand writing, I started to use the right hand to click the mouse. Today I definitely click more than I write. All that time I used my left hands only to hold things for my right hand.

The left hand is not necessarily naturally clumsy. I remember that when I was four years old, I was writing with my left hand better than with my right hand. Only my right hand got 40 years of practice, and my left hand got 40 years of servitude.

It takes several months to build up the dexterity and fine motor skills required for quality writing. Around 20 min of writing each day. Eventually, the left hand started to work as well as the right hand.

Writing with one hand only

The next issue was the stability of the pad. Usually, I used my right hand to write and my left hand to hold the pad. Now, if I want to use just one hand this is not an option. I had to stabilize the pad.

What I use is Rhodia paper A6 dot pad. It is ideally suited for fountain pens but can be used with any pen. The main issue is dual spiral binding. It simply does not hold the top page effectively. What I used was not very elegant, but it worked. I put a small ballpoint pen into the spiral to make it fit better. Then I used a small paper clip in the bottom right corner to hold the first page with the next ten. The special thing in the bottom right corner is simple: it almost never interferes with the writing left hand.

With this simple setup, the notepad became stable, and I could continue. I decided to use a fountain pen because it is more beautiful and can work with very little pressure. I tried several ergonomic pens that I can open with one hand with a stiff steel nib, like Lamy Safari.

Quad grip

A6 notepad size with dot grid is very small, and it is especially suited for small letters and fine nibs. This can be combined with a 2.6mm pilot parallel for the highlighter.

While with my right hand I usually use large letters and dynamic tripod grip, with my left hand I started to learn writing letter half that size with quad grip. I needed to get under the letters with my hand to avoid smudging and my regular grip does not allow this.  Usually, my hand pretty much rests to the right of the page with a pinky in the air. Now I learned to put the other pinky on the page to hold the page more effectively.

Miniature calligraphy

It is very hard to write faithfully small letters. It is even harder to do that when looking at the page with peripheral vision. Why peripheral vision? Because the main focus is still on the main screen. I kind of note ideas or markers, I do not write huge stories with my ‘off’ hand.

The thing is, the left hand can be very useful for ambldexterous writing: adding small annotations, highlights and such. While in my new way I wanted to write very small texts with a fine nib, I also wanted to be able to highlight and write blackletter headlines with a wide italic nib using the same left hand.

Miniature calligraphy is often more challenging and requires very fine motor skills. The hardest part for me was getting the slant correctly and uniformly for all letters. I am still struggling.

Choosing the font

Printed fonts are easier to read in miniature text, even when the hand is not very stable. Cursive fonts are easier to write fast: the hand glides on the paper. Cursive fonts require more skill from both the reader and the writer.

Like most modern people I use an erratic combination of printed and cursive letters. For example, I find the printed letter “r” much more readable than its cursive alternative. I also prefer the letter “f” without descending part.

Since I use a very specific left-handed grip I want a small hardly noticeable slant. A larger slant is uncomfortable for that grip specifically. Here is a list of scripts I considered. I really enjoy “cookie” font, but it has some features that I cannot convey in small text. Eventually, I settled with something similar to the “serendipity” font.

It might not be as impressive as some fonts I can draw with my right hand, but it is highly readable when done correctly.

Training

Next comes training. One of the hardest things to write is “Lev Goldentouch”. Try it. Really challenging. Then there is the “A quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dogs” testing every letter.

One of the big issues is points above “i” and crosses in “t”. If the word is short, I add the details after the word is done. For longer words, I add the details per letter, even though it breaks the cursive. Some letters like “X” will break the cursive anyhow.

Then there are also geometric figures, like stars and quadrats which are fun to draw and use in flowcharts. And I also draw some small doodles: cats, hearts, butterflies- the things my girl loves.

One A6 page each time, 100% filled, using several different pens with different colors and grips.

No pain is the gain

The sign of bad ergonomy is the pain in the hand. I can write for hours on A4 pages using my right hand, due to better ergonomy. It is much harder for me to write with my left hand on A6 pages without small pain. Each time I feel pain, it is a sign to change something in the way I hold the pen. I am slowly improving, but not there yet.

I will understand that I gained the basic skill when I will be able to perform the entire writing sequence for about an hour, producing clean beautiful readable text with zero pain

To be honest, A6 is such a bad format of a page, that I cannot use it long even with my right hand.

I do not really believe in the “no pain no gain” idea. The issue here is getting perfect control, not developing strong bones and muscles. It is a different sort of training.

Blackletter

For headlines, I am learning a blackletter script. It is actually somewhat easier than small letters, as speed and size are not the issue. I needed to use a clean geometric modern font, not unlike “Ravenholm” and very smooth paper.

To train the blackletter, I obviously need something larger than A6: the lines are wider. So this particular training is exclusively on A4, with implementation on A6.

To be honest, all fonts are easier to train on A4, with scaling to A6 trained as an additional limitation.

Pencil vs fountain pen

Writing with a pencil on A4 paper is no doubt easier than using a fountain pen on an A6 page. So this adds another level of training. Master a wide Kaweco lead holder on A4 first, then master Lamy Safari on A6, and then try many different pens and master all of them.

So why not simply write with a pencil? Or with a gel pen on a copy paper?

Well, the fountain pen on heavy A6 paper is more beautiful and lasting. The graphite may smudge, but once the ink dries it will stay. I am more likely to enjoy the process and less willing to throw the result away. Also, if you can write with a fountain pen and calligraphic script, you can pretty much write with anything else. Not vice versa.

I am still training. Far from my goals. Wish me luck.

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Is the pursuit of happiness reasonable? What will we find in it? Can we gamify the experience we call life? If we cannot pursue happiness, what is the next best thing? Is it money, experience, wisdom, or something entirely different?

Today I selected many different links, not all of them working. See if you like them here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.

Measuring happiness

Happiness cannot be measured objectively. At least I do not know such studies. Instead, people can rate their own happiness and rate correlated criteria like stress, job satisfaction, and fear about the future. There are many questionnaires, and on average statistically, they can be reliable if many different people are asked.  Politicians kind of want to live in a happy country. I guess we all do. I think that Finland, Denmark, and Switzerland are ranked very high this year.

Measuring personal happiness is even more subjective. A person can rate his own happiness score. The family and the closest friend also can provide some sort of evaluation. However, there is no way to make statistics reliable.

So we have a measurement issue. If on average people who meditate are happier, are they happier because of meditation, or alternatively happier people tend to meditate? The inference is not causality, especially if the underlying mechanism is not clear.

You probably traveled abroad. Where people appeared to be happy? Did it correspond to the happiness score statistics you can find online? Which information was more trustworthy?

Gamified by money

A simple way to gamify happiness is by measuring something which can be easily checked, like financial status. Happiness grows roughly linear with income up to some saturation point, and then as a logarithm of income. The measurements vary, but as a guideline in the top 10% of income doubling your income will make you 5% happier. For comparison, meditation will make you 10% happier.

Rich people can buy luxury products and great experiences.  Their baseline comfort and happiness level are fixed, so they need more expensive experiences to get some sort of thrill. If we look at happiness vs income graphs over the years the situation is even more complex. From 1980 to 2004 the average use income rose steadily, but the happiness even declined a little.  After 2004 the situation became worse, possibly due to large social disparities.

So gratifying happiness financially will eventually backfire. Productive employees usually are under huge stress, working a lot more, and yet getting slightly more income. Executives and investors may get a lot of money in a short time period,  but the trend may revert.

Money is great to enable our search, but it is definitely not a reliable gamification criterion. Try to evaluate how much money do you really need for a comfortable existence. Do you really need to earn more? Which expenses can you cut?

Happiness skills

Let us instead consider the skills directly influencing happiness. There are certain studies indicating the following skills:

• Meaningful relationships. It’s not the size of the network that matters, but how deep each person influences us and responds to us.  Can include family, close friends, but also less close people with deep emotional connection.
• Acts of kindness.  People who help others feel their life has some extra meaning. Helping the less fortunate also provides a positive perspective on everything we have.
• Exercise and physical wellbeing. Sports reduce depression and this is clinically proven.
• Flow. A blissful state of doing something very complex very well. Experiencing flow is one of the reasons we teach productivity.  Often creativity is also closely connected with flow.
• Spiritual engagement and meaning.  If there is no god, it makes sense to invent one. Spiritual experiences usually increase happiness.
• Strengths and virtues. Discovering the things we do best and doing those things can be satisfying. Being passionate about your work is certainly important.
• Positive mindset: optimism, mindfulness and gratitude. We can basically hypnotize ourselves into being happier or miserable. It is very easy to do that once we understand the mechanics of anchoring and diffusion.

All of the happiness skills above can be managed: learned, gamified, and optimized. These skills can be called stoic. Notice, the skills above do not include the pursuit of peak experience, money, or lack of pain and fear.

Happiness as a bliss

Our language is somewhat poor. There are many kinds of happiness, yet we can hardly differentiate between them. Living an overall happy life can be reformulated as a lack of depression. However, lack of pain and fear applies a different toolset, let us call it bliss. And experiencing peak moments may include yet another skillset. Both of these skillsets include sensory elements.

We should not ignore our senses. The senses always need new and fine inputs. We go to theaters to experience catharsis. Museums are a great place to see truly beautiful images. Do not turn your home into a museum as you will always want new things. Live music and dance performances generate some sort of a vibe that cannot be expressed in words. Regarding food, freshly baked bread with butter can be totally satisfying. Yet, a two stars Michelin restaurant is something mindblowing.

Of course, to experience a full range of senses we need to calibrate our senses. Fine cuisine will not work after a week of fasting and meditation, and it will also not work in case of a hangover. Something similar applies to rock music. If we live simple and productive lives and enjoy some refined experiences say once a week, they can be very satisfying.

Positive psychology is misleading

Love is more important than money. People who value money tend to be less happy than those who value love. They also are not necessarily richer. And consumerism is not sustainable.  So we tend to believe in positive psychology as common sense. However, positive psychology is not scientifically sound. We should have heard about companies and countries implementing it and benefitting from unbelievable happiness. Yet this did not happen yet. Instead, we see a lot of hindsight justification.

Moreover, happy people are not necessarily the top achievers. There is some unsatisfiable hunger in the top achievers. No matter how much they have, they work very hard to get more. They love their activities, but they also love the achievements themselves. The most successful people I met are deeply unhappy, as they feel not worthy of what they have and they work very hard to be worthy. Yes, they are in the flow and optimistic and physically well, but not because they heard about positive psychology.

So for now, until further breakthroughs and paradigm shifts, positive psychology is used as a justification of the current situation. “I do not do enough physical activity, so I am miserable. OK, fine. Time to make more money. One day I will retire. Then I will afford happiness”.

You should definitely make happiness-related resolutions, and you should try to implement them. Only if you fail, do not blame your luck. Brace yourself and try again next year.

Happy pills

A lot of people are taking pills to be less irritable, less depressed, or not in pain. There is nothing wrong with a small dose of serotonin or dopamine modulator. However, these medications are addictive. Increasing dosage and more potent pills are dangerous and can have a lot of side effects. People who worry about vaccination, do not worry about taking pills with a frightening array of side effects simply to feel a bit better.

Natural substances are usually as dangerous as artificial, but significantly more expensive. Alcohol, tobacco, and marijuana are usually more addictive than pills your psychiatrist will subscribe. But do not let the dose go up.

By the way, there is no definite proof that psychiatric drugs can cure for example depression. They may make it more manageable, but also more chronic.

As a resolution, consider your bad habits. Maybe you can cut down on some of them?

Happiness may be genetic or acquired very early in development. No positive psychology or medication can change it. Even luck can have just a short-term effect.

Good luck is not happiness

Fortune and luck are very different things. We kind of hope that being lucky will make us happy. This happiness lasts a couple of days. Then we return to our homeostasis. However, some luck generates a long-term effect. If you are a dog person, click here to know what breed is best for you.

For example, if you are lucky enough to have a house with a gorgeous view, that view will keep you happier. Having a balcony or a garden to step outdoors whenever you want is quite nice. If you are lucky enough to have a healthy pet, the pet will make you happier.

Things that will probably make you miserable in long run include winning a lottery. Once I interviewed a person who won a Nobel prize. He said it was the worst day of his life. Before the prise, he used to be happy with his research, and after it, he had to say the same boring speeches in front of different gatherings of people he did not care about. All he wanted was to go back and research in the relative anonymity of his lab.

If you feel that others are more successful than you, maybe this is true. Their success does not make them happier. Probably they are more miserable than you are. So make a resolution to feel better about your current level of achievement. Enjoy the path, not the destination.

And do not dream of relocating to a happy country. Maybe your country will win the jackpot next year.

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A belief system is a set of ideas, values ​​and principles that guide the actions and decisions of an individual. It is a framework through which individuals interpret the world around them and make sense of their experiences.

Belief systems are deeply embedded in our lives and shape our attitudes, and even the strengths of our character and behavior. They are often shaped by our cultural backgrounds, religious affiliations, and personal experiences.

Understanding the importance of belief systems in our lives can help us appreciate the diversity of opinions and perspectives that exist in the world today.

Belief systems play a crucial role in our personal and professional lives. They help us make sense of the world and guide us in our reasoning to make important decisions.

Our beliefs can motivate us to pursue our goals and aspirations, and give us a sense of purpose and direction in life. On the other hand, our beliefs can also limit our potential and prevent us from exploring new opportunities and ideas.

What is the purpose of a belief system?:

• Sense of identity: A belief system helps define the identity of a person or group. It provides a solid foundation for understanding who we are, what values ​​and principles we stand for, and what makes us unique.
• Sense of Belonging: A belief system can foster a sense of belonging and community by sharing similar beliefs with other individuals or groups. This can provide emotional support, camaraderie, and connection with those who share the same values.
• Guidance and guidance: A belief system serves as a moral and ethical compass. It provides principles and values ​​that help guide decisions and actions in everyday life. It can offer guidelines on what is right or wrong, what is important, and how to live a meaningful life.
• Explanation of the world and reality: A belief system offers a personal or collective understanding of the world and reality. Provides answers to fundamental questions about the purpose of life, the origin of the universe, human nature, and other existential topics.
• Motivation and purpose: A belief system can provide motivation and purpose in life. By having beliefs rooted in meaningful values, people can find a sense of purpose beyond themselves and feel driven to work toward larger goals.
• Adaptation and coherence: A belief system can help people adapt to life’s challenges and changes by providing structure and internal coherence. It allows the integration of new experiences and knowledge into an existing framework.

Importance of having a belief system

A belief system is an essential element of human life, influencing our thoughts, actions and emotions. Having a belief system gives a sense of direction and purpose to our lives, helping us make sense of the world around us and navigate through life’s challenges.

In a professional setting, a belief system can help people and organizations establish their values ​​and goals, which can guide decision making, employee behavior, and the overall company culture.

Having a belief system is important for several reasons:

• Sense of direction: A belief system provides a moral and ethical compass that guides our decisions and actions. It helps us set priorities, make informed decisions and act in accordance with our core values.
• Coherence and stability: A belief system gives us coherence and stability in our way of thinking and acting. By having a solid frame of reference, we can face life’s challenges and changes with greater clarity and adaptability.
• Self-knowledge and authenticity: A belief system invites us to reflect on our own convictions and values. It helps us understand who we really are and live according to our authentic beliefs, rather than being influenced by the opinions or expectations of others. 
• Sense of purpose and meaning: A belief system provides us with a sense of purpose and meaning in life. It helps us find purpose beyond ourselves, set meaningful goals, and live a life of deep, transcendent meaning.
• Resilience and coping: A strong belief system can strengthen us emotionally and provide support during difficult times. It helps us find comfort, hope and motivation to overcome obstacles and face challenges more effectively.
• Relationships and community: A shared belief system can foster connection and cohesion within a community or group. It gives us the opportunity to connect with people who share our values ​​and beliefs, which can provide support, understanding and a sense of belonging.
• Personal and spiritual growth: A belief system invites us to explore and expand our understanding of the world and ourselves. It challenges us to grow personally and spiritually, to question our assumptions, and to seek greater knowledge and wisdom.  

Relationship between beliefs, values ​​and attitudes

Beliefs, values ​​and attitudes are all interconnected and play a leading role in shaping our behavior, decisions and actions. Our beliefs are the ideas and concepts we hold true, while values ​​are the principles and standards we use to judge what is right or wrong.

Attitudes are the emotions and feelings we have towards people, things and situations. Our belief system is deeply embedded in our psyche and influences our actions and decisions, sometimes without us realizing it.

Understanding our belief system can help us recognize our biases and prejudices and make conscious decisions that align with our values ​​and beliefs. 

Formation and development of a belief system

A belief system is formed through a complex interaction of environmental, social, cultural and personal factors. The formation and development of a belief system is a gradual and continuous process that begins in childhood and continues throughout life.

Early experiences with parents, family, and peers play an important role in forming an individual’s belief system. As we grow and interact with the world around us, our experiences, and the information we gather, our belief system evolves and becomes more complex.

It is essential to keep in mind that belief systems are not static and can change over time, especially when new information is acquired or when one is exposed to different perspectives and experiences.

Understanding the formation and development of a belief system is crucial as it helps us understand ourselves and others, build meaningful relationships, and navigate the complexities of our diverse world.

Effects and consequences of a belief system

The effects and consequences of a belief system can be far-reaching and have a significant impact on the life of an individual as well as society as a whole. Belief systems can shape attitudes, influence behavior, and impact relationships with others.

They can also determine how we interpret and respond to events and circumstances. Belief systems have the power to inspire positive action and promote personal growth, or they can generate negative attitudes and behaviors that can harm individuals and communities.

Therefore, understanding the importance of belief systems and their effects is crucial for personal and social development.

Impact on the behavior and decisions of an individual or group

As we have mentioned, belief systems are a set of ideas, values ​​and principles that shape an individual or group’s perception of reality and guide their behavior and decision-making.

These systems are essential to our lives as they influence our attitudes, actions and relationships with others. They are formed through our experiences, upbringing, culture and education. Our belief systems are not only limited to religious or spiritual beliefs, but also include political, social and personal beliefs.

They have a profound impact on our behavior, decision making, and overall outlook on life. Understanding and exploring our belief systems can lead to personal growth, better communication, and a deeper understanding and appreciation of others.

Relationship between belief systems and emotional and mental well-being

There is a close relationship between belief systems and a person’s emotional and mental well-being. Here are some ways belief systems can influence emotional and mental well-being:

Sense of meaning and purpose: Belief systems can provide a sense of meaning and purpose in life. Having beliefs that give meaning to our experiences and connect us to something bigger than ourselves can contribute to greater emotional and mental well-being.

Authenticity and coherence: When our beliefs are aligned with our personal values ​​and principles, we experience greater authenticity and coherence in our lives. This gives us a feeling of wholeness and contributes to greater satisfaction and emotional well-being.

Resilience and coping: Strong, positive belief systems can strengthen our coping and resilience in the face of challenges and adversity. Beliefs that promote hope, confidence, and a positive outlook can help us overcome difficult situations and maintain resilient mental health.

Interpretation of events and experiences: Our beliefs influence the way we interpret and attribute meaning to the events and experiences in our lives. A positive and constructive outlook can help us find lessons, growth, and personal development opportunities in challenging situations, contributing to greater emotional well-being.

Self-esteem and self-respect: Belief systems that encourage self-compassion, self-love, and acceptance can have a positive impact on our self-esteem and self-respect. Believing in our worth and having positive beliefs about ourselves can strengthen our emotional and mental health.

Guidance in decision making: Beliefs provide us with a frame of reference and guidance in decision making. Having clear and well-defined beliefs can help us make decisions that are consistent with our values ​​and goals, which contributes to greater satisfaction and emotional well-being.

Is a belief system a religion?

A belief system and a religion are interconnected concepts but not synonymous. While a belief system refers to a set of principles or values shaping an individual’s worldview, a religion typically involves organized rituals, institutions, and often a deity or deities. Belief systems can exist independently without the formal structure of a religion, encompassing philosophical, spiritual, or ethical convictions.

Religion, on the other hand, often incorporates a community, sacred texts, and established practices. However, the distinction isn’t always clear-cut, as some belief systems evolve into religions over time. Ultimately, the defining factor lies in the level of organization and societal recognition each possesses.

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Meaningful learning is a type of learning where the new knowledge to be acquired is added to previous knowledge, readjusting both. It is a way of learning opposite to traditional, more rote learning.

In meaningful learning, learners actively integrate new information into older information. The concept of mapping has been a useful technique for this: it allows learners to connect their existing knowledge with the topics they are learning.

David Ausubel (1918-2008), an important American psychologist and pedagogue, was the one who first spoke about this type of learning.

This cognitive psychologist focused on the learning of school students. He was especially interested in what the student already knew, which he believed was the main determinant of what he would learn later. Ausubel viewed learning as an active process and did not believe it was simply a passive response to the environment around us.

Students and apprentices actively seek to make sense of what surrounds them, integrating new knowledge with what they have already learned.

The cognitive structure in meaningful learning

The key concept of Ausubel’s learning theory is cognitive structure. I saw it as the sum of all the knowledge we have acquired, as well as the relationships between the facts, concepts and principles that make up this knowledge.

For Ausubel, meaningful learning consists of bringing something new to our cognitive structure and uniting it with the existing knowledge located in this structure. In this way, we form meaning.

In the preface to his book Educational Psychology: A Cognitive Viewpoint, he writes:

“The most important factor influencing learning is what the learner already knows. Find out what he already knows and teach him accordingly.”

This led Ausubel to develop an interesting theory about meaningful learning and advancement organizers.

How to learn meaningfully?

Ausubel advocates the use of forward organizers as a mechanism to help link new learning material to existing related ideas.

Advance organizers consist of brief introductions to a topic, providing a structure to the student so that he or she relates the new information presented to his or her prior knowledge. Advanced organizers have a very high level of abstraction and constitute the beginning of a deductive exposition. They are the beginning of an exhibition that goes from the most general to the most particular.

These tools have the following essential features:

• Advance organizers are typically a small set of verbal or visual information.
• They are presented to the learner before beginning to learn a set of knowledge.
• They are of a high level of abstraction, in the sense that they do not contain new information to learn.
• Its objective is to provide the student with the means to generate logical relationships with the new material.
• They influence the student’s coding process.

Ausubel’s theory of advanced organizers states that there are two categories: comparative and expository.

Comparative organizers

These types of organizers activate existing schemas and are used as a reminder to bring into working memory what may not be consciously considered relevant.

A comparison organizer is used both to integrate information and to discriminate it.

In the words of Ausubel: “Comparative organizers integrate new ideas with basically similar concepts in the cognitive structure, and also increase the discriminability between new ideas and existing ideas, which are essentially different, but can be easily confused.”

Exhibition organizers

Expository organizers are often used when new learning material is unfamiliar to the learner. They often relate what the learner already knows to new, unfamiliar material, to make this unfamiliar material more plausible to the person.

Assimilation theory

Unlike many other educational theories, Ausubel’s assimilation theory was developed exclusively for educational designs.

Develop a way to create teaching materials that help students organize content to make it meaningful and learn better.

These are the four principles of assimilation theory:

• The most general concepts should be presented to students first and then the analysis should proceed.
• Teaching materials should include both new and previously acquired information. Comparisons between new and old concepts are crucial to learning.
• Already existing cognitive structures should not be developed, but simply reorganized in the student’s memory.
• The instructor’s task is to fill the gap between what the student already knows and what he must learn.

Contributions to education

Ausubel published his most important book on learning theory, Educational Psychology: A Cognitive Viewpoint, in 1968. He was one of the first cognitive theorists during a time when behaviorism was the dominant theory that most influenced education.

Due to a variety of reasons, Ausubel never received the recognition he deserved.

Many of his ideas found their place in the mainstream of educational psychology, but Ausubel was not given the credit he deserved. For example, it was Ausubel who created the forward organizers common in textbooks today.

It was also he who emphasized, for the first time, that it was advisable to start with a general idea of ​​the subject to be learned or studied or with a fundamental structure of it and, later, learn the details. This approach is practiced in many contexts today, but at the time it contrasted sharply with behaviorist theories, which emphasized the importance of starting with small pieces of content and building from them. Ausubel highlighted that what most influenced learning was what the student already knows, that is, the content of his cognitive structure.

Currently, most educational styles try to combine instruction with the student’s prior knowledge so that they learn in a meaningful way, just what Ausubel claimed.

Although Ausubel’s name is not widely recognized in the world of education, his ideas have an increasing impact. He helped psychology break with the rigid educational approaches that derived from behaviorist theories. It was also an impetus to start thinking about what was happening inside students’ brains when teachers taught them. Ausubel was one of the first theorists to view learning as an active process, not a passive experience. He wanted education professionals to get students engaged in their own learning and to help them relate new content to what they already know to make sense of their new knowledge.

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In 1871, Jacob DaCosta described a set of symptoms characteristic of soldiers during the American Civil War. Many of them manifested, during or after combat, a set of symptoms, especially cardiac and non-organic in nature. This description, which was called DaCosta syndrome, was pioneering in the study of panic attacks and disorders. Years later, in 1962, Donald Klein introduced the name we know today, based on Bowlby’s attachment theory. The truth is that although a learned alarm reaction can be an adaptive physiological response to a stressor, it can also lead to repeated attacks that lead to panic disorder and agoraphobia, among others. What happens when we witness a panic attack with its respective symptoms? How can we help a person with a panic attack? Let’s see. 

What is a panic attack?

A panic attack is an episode of intense fear (without warning), where the person believes that they are in serious danger, over which they have no control. This generates various physical reactions, such as tachycardia, difficulty breathing, excessive sweating, chills, tremors, and headache and stomach pain, among others, which reach their peak within minutes.

And, not only the above, it also causes psychological symptoms that are reflected in behavior.

In this way, whoever has a panic attack appears very scared, uncomfortable, out of control and with high levels of anxiety. In fact, if what is described manifests itself repeatedly during a certain period of time (at least one month), (according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, DSM-5), would be considered a panic disorder, within the broad category of anxiety disorders.

The prevalence of panic disorder is 1.5-2% throughout life and is 2-3 times more common in women. Since it is usually long-term chronic in nature it is difficult to treat.

Especially since people with panic disorder may have a period where they experience symptoms of a fairly intense nature and others with no symptoms at all. Which causes the search for help to be postponed. Something that, given the high degree of deterioration and comorbidity with other psychiatric disorders, can impact the quality of life of those who suffer from it. Reinforcing neural correlates as a result of fear conditioning and threatening interpretation of neutral stimuli

Why does a panic attack occur?

It can arise during times of high life and interpersonal stress, interpersonal loss, severe and prolonged interpersonal conflict, and social isolation.

Did you know that around 15-20% of first-degree relatives of a person with panic disorder develop anxiety symptoms? Or that monozygotic twins have a risk four times higher than dizygotic twins?.

Guidelines for action if we witness a panic attack

General principles of intervention

• Identify yourself if the person does not know you.
• Explain that you are experiencing a panic attack.
• Speak reassuringly but firmly.
• Stay calm and avoid getting caught in panic.
• Speak clearly and slowly.
• Use short and clear sentences.
• Be patient.
• Recognize that the terror of someone having a panic attack is very real for them.
• Reassure him that the symptoms of a panic attack will rarely last more than ten minutes.
• Know the symptoms of a panic attack.
• Ask him if he knows what is happening.
• If the person says they are having a panic attack, ask if they need any help and give it to them.
• Ask him if he has ever had a panic attack.

Things to do during a panic attack

• Instead of making assumptions about what the person needs, you should ask yourself directly.
• Report that a panic attack, although very frightening, is not life-threatening.
• The person’s experience should not be underestimated.
• Reassure him that he is safe and that the symptoms of the panic attack will pass.

Professional help in case of emergency

If the person loses consciousness, regular first aid principles should be applied (check breathing and pulse) and call an ambulance.

• The person should be reassured that effective treatments for panic disorder are available.
• Know the range of professional help available for panic attacks.
• Tell them that if panic attacks recur and cause them distress, they should speak to an appropriate health professional.
• Inform that the symptoms of a panic attack and panic disorder can be treated effectively.
• Ask if he or she knows where you can seek help and advice about panic attacks. If you don’t know, it is advisable to offer some suggestions.

But what can we do if we find ourselves alone while having a panic attack?

Sensory distraction

It is scientifically proven that sensory distraction can be of great help in managing a panic attack. A tool related to the stimuli that we perceive through the senses.

In this context, the ideal is to use stimuli that are significant and positive for the person.

For example, touching an object given by a loved one, trying to listen to a song that is considered relaxing, or seeing a photograph of a good moment. Using the same sensory distraction tool we can resort to the following techniques:

• Place ice on the back of the neck
• Perform exercises that activate the motor system, such as opening and closing the palms of the hands
• Observe an object and try to describe it (color, shape, texture, etc.)

The latter helps reduce anxiety and better manage the symptoms of a panic attack. Although they are not significant on an emotional level, they help the brain to focus on another thought and, thus, generate distraction.

Breathing and hydration matter

Controlling your breathing during a panic attack is difficult. However, knowing that this can help becomes a guideline that must be taken into account.

As a preventive factor, it is important that, along with this, relaxation techniques that have been tested successively are carried out, such as progressive muscle relaxation, autogenic training or meditation.

And, although it may seem like we are breathing well, many times this is done superficially and oxygen does not reach all the organs of the body. Therefore, learning diaphragmatic breathing will regulate the hyperventilation characteristic of these periods.

On the other hand, drinking a glass of water at these times prevents dehydration and acts to combat anxiety. Well, dehydration increases tension and the flow of hormones related to stress responses.

What to Do If You Get a Panic Attack During an Exam

Experiencing a panic attack during an exam can be an overwhelming and distressing situation, but it’s important to remember that you’re not alone, and there are effective strategies to manage and mitigate the symptoms. Here are some helpful steps to take if you find yourself grappling with a panic attack in the midst of an exam:

Recognize the Symptoms

The first step in managing a panic attack is to recognize its symptoms. These can include rapid heartbeat, shortness of breath, trembling, sweating, dizziness, and a sense of impending doom. Acknowledging that what you’re experiencing is a panic attack can help you approach the situation more calmly.

Practice Deep Breathing   

Deep breathing exercises can be remarkably effective in calming your nervous system. Focus on taking slow, deep breaths to regulate your breathing and reduce feelings of panic. Inhale slowly for a count of four, hold for four counts, and exhale for another four counts. Repeat until you start feeling more in control.

Positive Self-talk   

Combat negative thoughts with positive affirmations. Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel anxious and that you can handle the situation. Replace negative thoughts with positive ones, reinforcing your ability to overcome challenges and complete the exam successfully.

Take a Break   

If possible, excuse yourself from the exam room for a short break. Use this time to step outside, stretch, and continue deep breathing exercises. Physical movement can help release tension and reduce the intensity of panic symptoms.

Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques

Engage in mindfulness or grounding exercises to bring your focus back to the present moment. Describe your surroundings in detail or focus on the sensation of an object in your hand. Grounding techniques help shift your attention away from anxious thoughts.

Seek Support

If you’re comfortable doing so, inform a teacher or exam proctor about your situation. They may be able to provide support or accommodations. Additionally, having someone aware of your situation can alleviate the pressure and reduce the sense of isolation.

Use Visualization   

Picture a calming and peaceful place in your mind. Visualization can be a powerful tool to redirect your thoughts away from anxiety. Imagine yourself succeeding in the exam and visualize positive outcomes.

Return to the Exam Mindfully   

When you feel more in control, return to the exam with a calm and focused mindset. Take it one step at a time, answering questions at your own pace. Prioritize the questions you feel most confident about to build momentum.

Conclusion

Finally, it is important to remember that these are psychological first aid mechanisms. That is, emergency tools in case we find ourselves near someone who is in crisis or alone.

However, the ideal is to look for a mental health professional to help us find the root of the problem and propose a treatment according to our needs (considering the particular characteristics).

Well, after all, he is the one who can best diagnose a condition, if there is one, taking into account behavioral, psychophysiological, neurobiological and genetic data to validate the paths of therapeutic change in cognitive behavioral therapy and pharmacotherapy.

So, although it is best to go to an expert who is guided by a therapeutic approach that is as personalized as possible, in this note we can already have a slight idea of ​​how to help a person with a panic attack.

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Affective responsibility is a crucial topic in the field of Psychology. It refers to the ability to assume and manage one’s own emotions, taking into account how they affect the people with whom we establish a relationship. Thus, it helps us bond in a healthy, enriching and flexible way.

How to increase emotional responsibility?

Affective responsibility is not a personality characteristic, but a form of behavior, so it can be worked on and evolved. In this sense, a series of areas are distinguished, the improvement of which is associated with a higher level of emotional responsibility. They are the following:

• Self-knowledge: it is essential to know yourself better and know what your emotional expressions are in order to transmit them. In consultation, I can help you identify and understand them. Many times it is about looking in the past for patterns and triggering variables.
• Emotional education. Acceptance and commitment: I want you to know that all emotions are valid and that each one has its purpose. Have you ever denied any of your emotions? It is very important to accept them instead of suppressing or rejecting them. Delve into your personal values ​​and commit to making positive changes in your life.
• Communication of emotions: when you communicate clearly and assertively, you manage to connect more and better with those around you and your relationships are much stronger and more mature.
• Establish healthy boundaries: They are very necessary to show others how you want to be treated. You have to be explicit and clear when talking about them because, in a way, they are subjective (except for some red lines that are universal). It is important to respect yourself and act according to your own values ​​to feel at peace with yourself and your environment.
• Conflict resolution: This includes the ability to manage emotions during disagreements and seek mutually satisfactory solutions, through negotiation to reach agreements.
• Empathy and respect: understanding and accepting the perspectives and emotions of others strengthens interpersonal relationships and can help you get to know the people around you better.
• Changes in perspective: work on changing negative or distorted thought patterns that may affect how you approach emotional responsibility. Cognitive restructuring can be very useful in these cases.

Mindfulness: if you ask me…I would say that it is something that we should all practice more often. It is a tool that helps to be present in the current moment and to observe emotions in a fully conscious way.

How is emotional responsibility demonstrated?

It is important to highlight that emotional responsibility is a process in constant evolution, which can develop throughout the different life stages. This possibility of improvement represents a challenge that is worth taking on to be better.

There is no specific measure to recognize the degree of emotional responsibility, but we can say that a person has a high level when their behavior appears well managed on an emotional level, which can be seen in their behavior, since we perceive that:

• Make decisions consciously: considering not only your own desires and emotional needs, but also the impact your actions may have on others.
• Manage stress constructively: Even in stressful situations, avoid impulsive or destructive behaviors.
• You feel responsible for your actions: you worry about how they may affect your emotional well-being and that of others.
• Seek emotional growth: establish with yourself a growing commitment to emotional development, for which you continually seek ways to improve the management of emotions and interpersonal relationships.

Are you responsible for other people’s emotions?

I consider this point to be very important. It is true that, when interacting with others, we have an impact on them and their feelings, but we should not think that we have a kind of emotional hyperresponsibility.

We must keep in mind that we are not responsible, one hundred percent, for what the other person feels. He is a human being with the capacity and freedom to feel according to his own emotional intelligence and disposition. Yes, we have to do our best, but we find ourselves facing another individuality, with multiple experiences and possibilities, which we cannot fully control or dominate. Isn’t it precisely this emotional adventure that makes relationships great?

And what can we work on?

For me, there are two important points to take into account and cultivate, to empathize with the people around you:

• On the one hand, look for feedback from them. We are not always aware of how we impact others and therefore, we must investigate how they perceive us, if our actions affect them.
• On the other hand, I recommend that you practice active listening because it involves paying attention, not interrupting, and asking questions to make sure you understand what the other person is saying.

I want to emphasize that emotional responsibility is not exclusive to loving relationships, but that all human relationships deserve a certain degree of emotional commitment. Affective responsibility is a construct that must be mutual and reciprocal.

I show you two real cases experienced in consultation:

• The first is about how our mood influences others. A person walks into a room and we see them sad, stressed or pessimistic. You are likely to spread those negative emotions to others present. The same would happen, but with a different sign, if the entry is from someone happy who radiates positive energy.

This is due to emotional contagion: this phenomenon suggests that a person’s emotions can directly affect those around them, highlighting the importance of being aware of our emotional responsibility. Hence the importance of working on affectivity in human relationships.

• The next case is related to the fact that, sometimes, we want to love but we don’t let others love us. During a therapeutic process, I was able to analyze that a person did it as a protection and self-defense mechanism to not show vulnerability and avoid possible suffering (which perhaps was never going to happen). This posed a barrier to establishing healthy and complete bonds with others.

Here it is essential to talk about the importance of emotional availability in interpersonal relationships. We must not forget the importance of showing ourselves accessible on an emotional level, allowing ourselves to feel what we carry inside and valuing the need to transmit it to build fuller and more satisfactory relationships.

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We are the best guides and mentors for our kids. At least this is how we see the situation. Our kids get unconditional support, friendly advice, love, and tenderness. Our own parents are either far away or old and need our support. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could simply parent ourselves? This can actually be done! More reading here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.

Self-parenting use cases

When and how will we actually parent ourselves?

1. Dealing with our own childhood traumas. Here we will need a strong parent figure with the knowledge that was not available to our own parents.
2. Confronting pain and loneliness. Especially if our most effective parent figure is gone. For me, this figure was my grandmother. Occasionally I visualize her.
3. When not sure what to do, looking for good advice. Quite often the figure visualized is a figure of a trusted mentor, like a beloved teacher, a coach, or a thesis advisor.
4. Learning to teach others, for example being a good parent to our own children. Anything goes here, but nothing is promised to work.
5. Looking for grounding. Quite often nothing feels real in our crazy world. We may literally need a visualized entity to make sure what is real.
6. Pushing ourselves. While this is not the best use of self-parenting, it definitely happens. People often imagine some authority figure encouraging them to push through and try harder. A sort of “No pain no gain character”.

Notice that the parent figure is not always the actual parent. It can be anyone, real or fictionary. For example, a visualize religious figure can be very effective.

Start with diffusion

To parent ourselves we need to split the mind. I teach the relevant techniques in the masterclasses. There are several options:

1. Diffusion. A standard mindfulness technique. There is an ego experiencing all sorts of spontaneous thoughts and emotions, and something more mature noticing and observing.
2. Thinking hats. There are several different “positions”. An emotional position, a fact-oriented position, optimistic and pessimistic positions. And then there is this “blue” hat that conducts the entire discussion and oversees the methodology.
3. Future self. When in trouble, we can try to visualize ourselves in the future, stronger and wiser. Brainstorm with the future self about the current issues and get perspective from a different point in time.
4. Transactional analysis. In each communication, there is a part of a child, a part of an adult, and a part of a parent. The parent is typically a protective and caring entity.
5. Fourth perspective. In every argument, there are two sides. There is also a third perspective of the observer in the room. The fourth perspective is above all those, detached but helpful.

In all of these situations, there is a sort of ‘super-ego’. This ‘super-ego’ can probably be transformed into a ‘parent’ if needed, only we do not usually take this step.

An issue with authority

Not everyone needs a parent figure. Many of us have issues with real parents and with authority figures. Parents make mistakes. They either push too hard or do not push strong enough. Some parents are too distant. Other parents are too emotional. Authority figures are often corrupt or misinformed.

There is no reason to take any of this into our visualizations. We can have a pretty good life without giving our ‘super-ego’  the qualities of a parent. Moreover, we can choose the methodology we use to generate this ‘super-ego’. The methodology used will have a very strong effect on the entities involved – real and visualized.

Improving the inner parent

Our inner parent is by no means ideal. We collect good and bad patterns of the authority figures we know. Then we add some things that are our own and tend to work. Does this mean the parent figure is any good? What are the basic qualities we need?

Protective. Before anything else parents offer protection. Not always physical one, but some sort of safety. This safety often comes from confidence and experience. Is your inner parent neurotic? If so, try to understand why.

Nurturing. Parents put the food on the table. Quite literally. Also, they provide emotional nourishment, often in the form of unconditional love. If your inner parent shows no emotions, try to explore why. Probably you will need to practice self-compassion and gratitude in some sort of mindfulness or CBT setup.

Wise. Possibly not an immediate parent, but a coach or a teacher has all the answers we need. Did we internalize those answers? Can we provide the answers ourselves? Helping others might be the best way to help ourselves and develop the right skills.

Disciplined. Parents provide boundaries and a moral compass. They teach us the good and the bad. Quite often the message is mixed. Mother and father, teachers and coaches, grandparents and mentors… They rarely agree with each other. Rely on your character strengths to build a clear moral compass and boundaries. Some boundaries will be ethical or others esthetic. Other boundaries with deal with risks and safety.

Motivating. Some parents motivate. Only they tend to be pushy. They ruin our internal motivation and generate stress. And then when they are not around there is a motivation to do nothing. If we internalize the motivating presence we can push ourselves forward. Just do not push too hard and try to build internal motivation.

Replaying the past

Most of us have childhood traumas of various sorts. I spent my elementary school with antisemitic children that humiliated me in a country that was a lie in my own eyes and in the eyes of my family. Others have different issues.

Maybe one of the parents was unreliable or violent. Or maybe there was a terrible accident. Possibly there was an inescapable depression. Each person and his story.

Quite probably the childhood traumas were not treated properly by parents and professionals. A scarred personality can lead to inappropriate actions. It is best to revisit and fix the issues. The process is long, typically around 100 sessions 1 hour each. Some pay a lot of money to do that with a psychiatrist. Others meditate or visualize, or use lucid dreaming.

An inner parent may provide new perspectives on the past events, intellectually and emotionally. In my case I had to understand that there was nothing wrong with me, simply the kids in my class were mean. Others need different insights. As grown-ups we often have more tools to help our inner child than anybody else. Just replay the past layer by layer and offer unconditional support to the child you used to be…

You may need professional guidance to deal with some specific issues. Only then go to the very specific professional, for example, someone who has a license to hypnotherapyy.

Dealing with your inner child

Even as grown-ups we still have our inner child, and this inner child has feelings. The inner child is the source of awe and creativity, fun and rebellion. And just as a real child it has needs.

It is quite strange to understand that our own personality is built layers upon layers. These are the patterns we acquired during different stages of our lives. Our inner child is not significantly more developed than the children we used to be. Only now it is paired with the much stronger inner parent and inner adult.

Inner adult deals with facts, statistics, reasoning. It is a critical being, If a missile is flying towards your home, the inner adult can calculate the chances of your specific home being hit. But does it calm you when you hear a siren? Not really. You need your inner parent, calm and confident.

The inner parent is an emotional creature. Its power comes from processed emotions, confidence, and experience.  This is the last part of our personality to mature. Quite often it matures together with our own children.

What to do with immature parents

This is an interesting dilemma. We try to use a parental presence in our visualizations probably from the age of 3. What will the mother say? How will the father react? Would the teacher allow it?

Yet the initial internalized parent matures slowly. A child cannot effectively project a parental figure. He can rely on some superficial messages, but the underlying experience might be too complex for him.

As teenagers, we rebel against these superficial parent figures. What do they actually know? Was their world similar to our own? Did the same rules apply to their experience? How is their perspective still valid? We try to create our own parental figure, often based on our coaches or peers. This figure is incomplete since we lack information.

Only when we become actual parents we understand the complexity of the required presence. We rely upon our own experiences as parents, the stuff we internalized previously, and counseling. As parents, we need more counseling than ever before because our kids find all the cracks in our armor.

Also, we rely on each other. Mother and father are very different people with complementary strengths and weaknesses. We can internalize the approaches of our spouses or counselors and improve our strategies.

Getting experience or confidence is hard. Improving the strategies is relatively easy. If something is not working, try different strategies until you find the right one.

Inner parent and resilience

You probably noticed that the main role of the inner parent is resilience. It provides positive self-talk, compassionate emotional support, disciplined approach to emotionally charged subjects. If you feel that you want to rely on your inner parent, please do. If your inner parent makes you uncomfortable, there are plenty of other resilience techniques. Different approaches complement each other. Eventually we are likely to become better parents not just for ourselves, but also for our kids.

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One of the perfect uses for mindfulness is mastering your emotions. We will explore this concept in the home and office settings, where we learn and work with actionable tips.  For more reading, please check here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.

Stop emotions and focus

I use mindfulness when I need to work or read, but my attention is elsewhere. In this case, probably multitasking between the work and the emotions is not the best idea. Maybe the best idea would be to process the emotions and reach a resolution, but this may require tons of focus, energy and time which we probably do not have. So instead we want to shut down the emotions and focus on the work. Easier said than done. What are some cool alternatives:

• Sensory overload. Skim through many articles as fast as you can and write down what you read. Probably you will not be able to focus on the first article but after 10 articles you will forget about your emotional issues. You will also forget about your work and will need some reorientation. Maybe a good idea at the morning when we arrive and after lunch.
• Change of scenery. Go outdoors, walk or run for 10 min visualizing your work and what you can achieve doing it, then come back. Not always doable but usually very nice. A bonus idea: talk to the security guard in your lobby if there is one and if he is a nice guy.
• Social support. Share your issue or unrelated anecdotes with a coworker, or allow a coworker to share his problems with you. This can probably be done once or twice a day for 10 min in the coffee room.
• You can and should go through your mails and the relevant social media (WhatsApp), but this may cause more trouble and require an additional break.

OK, we are still left with at least 5 breaks of 5-10 min per day and no plans.  Let me suggest mindfulness.

Mindful without meditation

5 or 10 min is not necessarily enough for meditation, and the workplace is not the best setting for meditation. So, what can be done instead?

• Mindful coffee and fruits or nuts. I guess it is a healthy alternative to tea and cookies. We focus on the preparation of fruit and beverage, on setting them in a nice way, on consumption and related smells and tastes, and on memories that are stirred by them. OK, that will eat up 5 min, quietly and refreshingly.
• Office exercise. The office is not a gym, so too much exercise will be strange. We can do some breathing exercise and focus on the breath. Maybe we can do some isometric exercises, focusing on muscles and bones. [My father was always doing isometric exercises at work, and he still looks very athletic. Somehow I did not quite enjoy this format of sports. Maybe I should try again.] Eye gymnastics are a must, focusing inwards on sensations.
• Go to the window and look as far as you can. Best to do this during sunrise or sunset, but rain, for example, is also very cool. Focus on the weather and how it makes you feel.
• Music break. There are people who need some music simply to work. I am not one of them. When I listen to music I really engage with it. My musical tastes change all the time from symphonic metal to jazz standards. Currently, I am into progressive rock like Dream Theater or Rush. When I listen to music I am fully there with some minor visual synesthesia.
• Voracious reading. Sometimes the best thing to do is to read something fascinating that has no other use. I am usually obsessed with a subject not related to anything else. You name it, I was probably obsessed about it or will be obsessed in the future. Fun reading, no productivity limitations. Focus on your curiosity and spontaneous associations.
• Daydreaming. To qualify for mindfulness, you really need your visualization to be vivid.

Sensitive people

OK, so we have enough ideas for most of us for 12 breaks per day, maybe more.  If you are a sensitive person that will still not be enough: the emotions will surface faster than you will be able to deal with them. So instead of fighting the emotions, let go and focus on the emotions themselves.

Typically we visualize emotions in colors. Sometimes synesthesia involves poetry or musical tracks. Commonly body sensations are involved as pulse and gut feeling. The idea is focusing on the fine details of the emotions, and how these details change and pulsate. These changes of emotions will have a profound sensory manifestation which is fascinating. After admiring the emotions for 5 min, you will probably be ready to work.

This routine definitely works for me. If you are not sufficiently sensitive to your emotions, you will not able to feel them sufficiently vividly. Probably you will not need this routine, to begin with.

Creative solution

How about flexing your creative muscles? You may doodle, write down poems, or simply approach the issue from different perspectives. When we truly create we can get into the flow state, and lose track of time. So this is something more appropriate for the evening after completing most of the daily tasks.

The basic idea is capturing artistically the geist of the moment, or of the entire day. A gratitude journal will also work, but it might be too boring for most.

We bypass the analysis and blocks and mindfully visualize the deepest parts of our being at the moment. Do not do anything time-consuming. If you are doodling, use pencils and not oil paints. I often play with calligraphy in different scripts (English, Russian, Hebrew). No need to make a masterpiece or save the things we doodle.

Play with perspectives

Sometimes we become disoriented. If we are very tired, frustrated and defocused at the same time, more complex strategies simply will not work. We can try a very simple form of out-of-the-body experience. Imagine a place in the room, in the past or in the future, and imagine viewing yourself from that place. How would you feel viewing the person you are now from that position? Be the person you are now, then be the observer, then be the person you are now and shift the perspective again.

It is important to feel compassion to yourself from various positions and that compassion is the healing element of this exercise. You may also combine this with breathing exercises.

 

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Money does not bring happiness, it brings comfort. Happiness does not require money: it needs a sense of purpose and simple pleasures. Money and happiness compete over similar resources. How come so many think they are the same? Can we have both? More reading here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.

Money buys comfort

If we have money, we can easily buy a big car, a big house, good food, and quality entertainment. With more money, we can buy the best healthcare available. We will get used to all these comforts within days. Now what?

Let us hear the TED lectures. The happiness experts will ask us to meditate and to hunt after new experiences. If we buy too many experiences, we will stop enjoying them and need a detox. Meditation is generally safe and add about 10% to the wellbeing. What next?

The biggest favor we can do to ourselves is finding a purpose to fight for.  Some rich people create or contribute to charity organizations. That can be prohibitively expansive, not only in terms of money but also in terms of time and comfort. Sick and poor tend to smell and have a bad temper.

It is reasonable to find self-centered rich people, with basic needs satisfied and annual donations for charitable organizations instead of a true purpose.  These people are likely to be depressed.

A noble savage

It is rare but possible to find poor and happy people. Let us try to visualize who they are.

• Committed to a clear purpose with the ability to get immediate feedback for the effort
• They should be doing physical work and not have any serious sickness
• Probably members of a group or movement, maybe of a volunteer organization
• Possibly young and far from home, so that they do not need status affirmation
•  Enjoying the simple pleasures of tasty organic food, clean water and amazing sunset in some of the best sceneries a man can find

We get missionaries, teachers/doctors, wildlife preservationists…

These people form a new myth for the noble savage. They are likely to be dirty and smelly, mosquito-bitten, and with no safety net.

Once something bad happens, the lack of money may become an evil.

Middle-class bliss

Possibly, it is easy to be happy in the middle class. The income of a professor or a medical doctor can be comfortable. The purpose of saving lives, teaching kids, developing new tech can be satisfying. The pleasures may include premium coffee in the morning, a glass of wine in the evening, and visit an ethnic restaurant once a week. There is a great journey once a year to anticipate and relieve. The family is supportive, and the coworkers are polite and helpful.

Unfortunately, this blissful middle class is shrinking. People in the middle class do not feel special or successful and then the take risk. Increasingly more people become rich or poor. Almost everybody gets stressed.

It is a bit crazy to think that having more money or more fame will actually make us unhappy. The entire philosophy of consumerism, middle class, and value generation is pro-competition. And this competition is stressful for everybody. The competition is global and almost unavoidable. How is it represented on a global scale?

Search for happiness in rich countries

Depression is an epidemic of rich countries. Poor countries cannot afford depression: people are too busy fighting for survival. In a similar way, countries with most Alzheimer cases are the countries where people do not die from other causes before they are 80 years old.

If we think in terms of Maslow’s pyramid, people need to take care of food and safety. They need to find a social group they belong too and earn their respect.  Only then they focus on self-actualization and get depressed. Poor people have other feelings: fear, hunger, envy, anger, despair.

I could bring statistics on obesity, depression, suicide, but I think you do not need it. If you read this text, you probably understand that everything is connected.

Happiest countries and depression rates

Some of the richest countries are also the happiest. Other rich countries are depressed. Here are some happy countries with relevant stereotypes:

• Finland. Extreme cold. Finns remove social distances in saunas. They love sports and are very polite and considerate.
• Denmark. Cold, grayish… Danes are happy because they have low expectations.
• Norway. The people are not very rich, but the country itself is extremely rich and provides extreme social benefits.
• Australia. Lots of natural resources, sun, beaches, sports. It is easy to understand why Aussies are happy. They also tend not to take themselves too seriously.
• Israel. Great food and tech. We live in today and do not let chronic wars disturb our mood.
• Malta. Strong financial sector. Great social benefits. Deeply religious. Almost no crime.
• Costa Rica. Not a reach country. Low corruption, great beaches, and overall positive outlook.

The world happiness report does not measure personal depression. I quote: “Happy people “wouldn’t have the highest smile factor,” he said. “They do trust each other and care about each other, and that’s what fundamentally makes for a better life.”

Interestingly, Americans, Australian and Israeli also smile a lot in their Linkedin photos. Is this smile authentic?

If we check the depression rates, we get a very strange list:

• United States is the absolute champion
• India (with Bangladesh and Pakistan)
• Brazil
• Finland
• Israel

Clearly, we would expect Afghanistan to be unhappy both on a state level and on a personal level, which is so. Malta is a happy country with few mental disorders. But Israel and Finland are happy countries, so why so much depression measured? Why we can see very few mental disorders reported in Spain ane Japan?

Significant depression levels will result in suicides. After a bunch of other countries (like Africa and former soviet republics) we get South Korea, India, Japan, Finland, United States. Lower but still high suicide rates in India, Australia, Norway. Average rates of suicide in Israel, Costa Rica, and Brazil. Almost no suicide in Malta.

What’s going on?

Happiness is hard to measure. So in some surveys, people are asked directly about their positive experiences. In other cases,  scientists try to measure indexes correlated with wellbeing like life expectancy. A person can have a long life with a reasonable income, personal freedom, and volunteering, and yet be very depressed. A country may also have a huge disparity between people who are content with their lives, and those who are not. In some countries, a depressed person will ask for professional help, while in others the family will try to take care of the person.

Freedom and happiness

I invented and often use a depressing expression: “if you give a person long enough rope, he will find a way to hang himself.” The countries with the highest measured depression are countries with a lot of personal freedom and interpersonal generosity.

What’s the issue with the Finns? Members of the happiest nation on earth are very likely to get prescription pills and if the pills fail they will use the hunting rifle. And this is a country with huge social support. We can blame long winters and vitamin D deficiency…

Americans are addicted to painkillers. Medical doctors feel the need to prescribe drugs that simply would not be administered in other countries. Social support in the USA is not very good, and there is a huge gap between the rich and the poor. Everybody is super-stressed. A 50-years-old may lose his job and have no serious savings or his spouse may get seriously sick and he may have not medical insurance. Guns kill more Americans in suicides than in robberies, self-defense, murders, and accidents combined.

India is a very free but also a very poor nation with many farmers and very poor infrastructures. A hungry Indian is often also a depressed Indian.  A farmer may prefer suicide to death from hunger. Agriculture experts occasionally bring better technologies, but when they fail, lots of farmers die.

What can one do?

I think there are certain ways to be happier, otherwise, I would probably not publish this article. This does not mean I am wise enough to follow my own advice. Basically I suggest everybody to adopt an idealized middle class mentality.

• Minimize consumption. Like having the minimal viable product. Two kids can share a room. The car can be 6 years old, and preferably electric. The food should be rich in fruits and veggies. The idea is not throwing away the stuff we no more need, but finding new ways to make the old stuff serve us.
• Maximize education. As humans, we need to optimize something, and education has almost no side-effects. It is best to collect useful knowledge, but useless information can provide additional perspectives and wonderful metaphors.
• Generate a safety net. Have excess income and invest it wisely.
• Do not form an emotional relationship with money: money is a vehicle for other goals
• Explore spirituality. Formal religion is optional. Visit awesome places, experience music, and arts, love your family and pets. Practice gratitude and forgiveness.
• Have well-defined boundaries. Trust and ethics are crucial. It is best to limit our freedom. Constraints result in greater creativity.
• Career success is inherited. If you cannot live properly, at least provide your children with a fighting chance.

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